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The title for this post came from a Paradise Lost song I just happened to put on in the car this morning. It’s called Illumination funnily enough and it’s from their album “Believe In Nothing” – a cracking album if I do say so myself.

Listening to the song this morning the chorus really connected with how I’m feeling right now. To save you shooting off to Google and searching for the lyrics this is what Nick Holmes sings:

And ohh too much, it’s in my soul don’t let it show
And ohh too much, it’s in my head don’t let it grow again

That is pretty much how I feel at the moment. There’s so much going on, so much I want to tell – to shout out loud – but I can’t because the logic/worry in my head won’t let me.

Why do I have to analyse everything to the nth degree? Why do I worry what everyone else thinks all the time? Why can’t I just be confident enough in my convictions and feelings to just not care if people like/dislike, are happy/aren’t happy with what I have to say, feel or do?

This isn’t something new, it’s always been there. I’ve always worried about telling my true feelings or thoughts on things in case I upset or anger anyone. It’s crap, utterly crap, and I just don’t know why I do it.

I guess at the end of the day I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and the unfamiliar. I’m scared of being judged and/or criticised. As strong a person as I may come across I’m actually nothing or the sort. I hide, using that strong person persona to cover up my insecurities, to cover my own self doubt.

If I’m not careful this personality trait of mine could very well end up costing me more than I can ever tell…but still I do it. Am I a lost cause? Can I ever get past this madness?

I guess the only answer to that is “I have to”.

As I’m walking I’m breathless, I’d welcome clarity