The title for this post came from a Paradise Lost song I just happened to put on in the car this morning. It’s called Illumination funnily enough and it’s from their album “Believe In Nothing” – a cracking album if I do say so myself.
Listening to the song this morning the chorus really connected with how I’m feeling right now. To save you shooting off to Google and searching for the lyrics this is what Nick Holmes sings:
And ohh too much, it’s in my soul don’t let it show
And ohh too much, it’s in my head don’t let it grow again
That is pretty much how I feel at the moment. There’s so much going on, so much I want to tell – to shout out loud – but I can’t because the logic/worry in my head won’t let me.
Why do I have to analyse everything to the nth degree? Why do I worry what everyone else thinks all the time? Why can’t I just be confident enough in my convictions and feelings to just not care if people like/dislike, are happy/aren’t happy with what I have to say, feel or do?
This isn’t something new, it’s always been there. I’ve always worried about telling my true feelings or thoughts on things in case I upset or anger anyone. It’s crap, utterly crap, and I just don’t know why I do it.
I guess at the end of the day I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and the unfamiliar. I’m scared of being judged and/or criticised. As strong a person as I may come across I’m actually nothing or the sort. I hide, using that strong person persona to cover up my insecurities, to cover my own self doubt.
If I’m not careful this personality trait of mine could very well end up costing me more than I can ever tell…but still I do it. Am I a lost cause? Can I ever get past this madness?
I guess the only answer to that is “I have to”.
As I’m walking I’m breathless, I’d welcome clarity
Recognising personality traits like this (or flaws if you prefer – but I don’t) is a massive achievement, if you know of it, you can work on it or at least with it. You shouldn’t change who or what you are but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith regardless of how counter intuitive or uncomfortable or scary it might feel. You never know, you might like it and that may just tempt you to let go of some of that worry or excessive analysis – and that might just happen naturally anyway.
I’d be more concerned if you were a heartless bastard who didn’t give a damn about anyone or anything. Caring about what others think and feel is something you should never stop doing. Letting those emotions from stopping you being who you want to be (or at least test the water at being) is another matter. You’ve got to enjoy life and if that means upsetting a few people on the way or them not agreeing with a decision you make, well that’s just tough, they’ll get over it. You can’t please all the people all the time so don’t even try to.
Take the leap, what have you got to lose? Don’t take the leap, what have you got to lose? One of those answers will far outweigh the other.
In the meantime I’ll keep it to myself that you want to be Dale Winton’s gimp 🙂
I know what you’re saying Andy and the logical side of me agrees 100% with everything you wrote. Unfortunately there’s that wall, as you will, that the emotional side of me puts up and stops logic having its way, stopping me doing those impulsive things I desperately want to do or say. It really is crap.
I desperately want to take that leap but fear and worry have gripped me too tightly at the moment. It’s been a bad week this week for many reasons and the compound effect of it all has me cowering in the corner, scared of what everyone will think or say. It’s not a great place to be.
All I can hope is that I can get past this, that next week will be a great week and all of this will just seem silly. If not next week then some time soon as I don’t think I can take feeling like this for too much longer.
Oi! First you call me out on my “Doreen” adventures and now you let everyone know about my gimp fantasies. I thought you were supposed to be a mate?! 😉
Dude, as sappy as it sounds, if you act with love, all will be cool. Most of all, that means makes sure you love yourself. That’s the hardest thing to do it seems. Its easy to love others and make sure you bend over backwards to please, but at the detriment of yourself? Nahhh, its not worth it as it usually ends in inner turmoil. Love and honour (as you do) and all will be cool.
Deep breath and follow your heart.
Wise words Stu. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully I’ll be able to take that deep breath, take that leap and cast these demons to one side.