Since the anniversary of the start of my LEJOG walk, each day I’ve been reading through the blog updates I wrote and looking through all the photos I took as I wandered along the paths and roads of this wonderful land – lovely vivid memories for sure. I’m reminded of a time when the only pressure I felt was the weight of my pack on my back and my own personal will to carry on and get to the next rest stop, regardless of how much I was hurting.
Back in the real world and pressure is abound. Pressure to pay the bills. Pressure to keep the house in working order. Pressure in the office to get the work done, regardless of the fact that what you may be working on is actually possible to complete or not. Pressure to be everything to everyone regardless of how you’re feeling. Sometimes I think I’m ready to say “fuck it all”, to sell up and hit the road again. Don’t worry I won’t be, but sometimes I just wish life was as easy as it was back then. If only!
So where am I going with this? Good question.
Recently I’ve wanted to do something, something I’ve wanted to do for a little while now. When I say “something” what I mean is make a gesture, something symbolic. But, every time I get within a gnat’s whisker of doing it something happens and there’s that pressure again, making me feel like I wasn’t actually doing this of my own accord, my hand was being forced into doing something and that, I’m afraid to say, is not who I am any more.
I’ve spent far too much of my life doing things because it was expected or other people wanted me to and I’m sorry to say that I was wholeheartedly complicit for far too long. I did it to keep everyone else happy. I did it to keep the peace. I did it for a multitude of reasons. Looking back it’s obvious that a lot of what I did over the years hasn’t been for me but for everyone else and that isn’t a great way to live your life.
I’m not saying that I’ll forever dig my heels in and demand things are done my way, that would be unrealistic and destructive, but I’ve come to realise that I can actually conduct my life at my own pace, doing things when I want to do them with the hope that there won’t be any fallout. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case.
I hope I can reach the point that I’m comfortable to do this thing as it’s a good thing, a great thing.
Only time will tell… I will get there though, and soon I hope as this really is a great thing.
I am a complete tit!
You may notice a minor update to the end of the original post I wrote today. Unfortunately those four little words, written without realising their weight or how they would be taken, have caused some upset today. They weren’t written with that intention I promise. I didn’t think how they would/could be interpreted and for that I am truly sorry.