It’s been a funny old weekend in some ways since posting on Friday. Putting it out there certainly lifted some of the weight that’s been bearing down on me but it’s in no way a cure that’s for sure. I’m in this for the long game as I need to get the tools and skills to deal with this properly.
I’ve suffered a lot of symptoms of depression on and off for a long time. I’ve tried my best to ignore them but that’s never really worked, not long term anyway.
One scary symptom this time round, and one of main reasons I decided to [finally] go and see the doctor last week, was the fact that the weekend before – when Shelli and I had just Asri and Eleni for the weekend – I suffered an anxiety attack while we were shopping in Reading.
I can’t recall suffering one of these before, but I can’t 100% say that I’ve never had an attack like this. It wasn’t a full-blown melt down, but being surrounded by everyone out doing their shopping was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever experienced; I just wanted to get out of there, away from everyone. For someone who is normally so confident when I’m out and about it was a very scary feeling.
Having spoken to the doctor about the medication she was prescribing me I knew that there was a good chance that for a few days it was going to upset my stomach a bit while my body got used to it. Not normally a problem but on Sunday we – Shelli, Val (mum), and I – had the Bupa London 10K and the last thing I needed was to be feeling crook because of the tablets. So, I made the decision not to start taking them until after the weekend.
Was that a good idea after the weekend before, considering I’d be at an event with thousands of people there? I didn’t know, but I did know that I wouldn’t be able to run if I felt upset in the stomach so there wasn’t really a choice.
Friday and Saturday flew by, and before I knew it it was stupid-o’clock on Sunday morning and we were all getting up to make our way into London.
I knew Shelli was worried how I’d be considering the previous weekend but I was determined for it not to stop me doing what I wanted to do. She wanted me to start the run with them so that I would be with them while we waited for it all to start. Sensible, but I wanted to do it properly and start from my group. Stupid? Stubborn? Probably, but that’s me all over really.
With 10 minutes to go before the start I said goodbye to the others and made my way with the hundreds of others to the start line. I had my headphones on and my music playing, which helped a lot.
Regardless of how much training I’ve done before a race I always get nervous waiting to get going. I don’t know why but I do. Knowing that I’d done little to no training for this one didn’t help that’s for sure, but at one point I literally couldn’t stop my left hand from shaking. I had to cross my arms until it decided to play ball and behave normally. Considering everything though I don’t think I was too bad; it could certainly have been a lot worse that’s for sure.
Once we were going all thoughts of being anxious disappeared as I had only one thing to concentrate on: getting round the bloody course!
I’m pleased to say that I did okay – clocking in my second fastest time for the Bupa London 10K – and while waiting for Shelli and mum to cross the line I wasn’t too bad either. I left my headphones in and my tunes playing which really did help, but being utterly exhausted from yet another hot Bupa run, and concentrating on the runners coming over the line so that I could cheer mum on, it was enough to take my mind off of it all.
Uber proud of mum for doing the course 20 minutes quicker than she thought she was going to do it in, even with a bad knee – go mum! – and very proud of myself for getting through the day okay.
This is just the start. Medication won’t fix everything so I’m working on other things to get me back on the straight and narrow.
I’ll continue to write about how it’s all going. Not really because I expect anyone to read it, but sometimes putting things down like this really is a help.
Besides, I don’t want to brush this under the carpet like I’ve done so many times before. That’s not helped. I’m normally too good at hiding behind my cheeky-chappy exterior but that won’t cut it this time!