It’s been a funny old weekend in some ways since posting on Friday. Putting it out there certainly lifted some of the weight that’s been bearing down on me but it’s in no way a cure that’s for sure. I’m in this for the long game as I need to get the tools and skills to deal with this properly.
I’ve suffered a lot of symptoms of depression on and off for a long time. I’ve tried my best to ignore them but that’s never really worked, not long term anyway.
One scary symptom this time round, and one of main reasons I decided to [finally] go and see the doctor last week, was the fact that the weekend before – when Shelli and I had just Asri and Eleni for the weekend – I suffered an anxiety attack while we were shopping in Reading.
I can’t recall suffering one of these before, but I can’t 100% say that I’ve never had an attack like this. It wasn’t a full-blown melt down, but being surrounded by everyone out doing their shopping was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever experienced; I just wanted to get out of there, away from everyone. For someone who is normally so confident when I’m out and about it was a very scary feeling.
Having spoken to the doctor about the medication she was prescribing me I knew that there was a good chance that for a few days it was going to upset my stomach a bit while my body got used to it. Not normally a problem but on Sunday we – Shelli, Val (mum), and I – had the Bupa London 10K and the last thing I needed was to be feeling crook because of the tablets. So, I made the decision not to start taking them until after the weekend.
Was that a good idea after the weekend before, considering I’d be at an event with thousands of people there? I didn’t know, but I did know that I wouldn’t be able to run if I felt upset in the stomach so there wasn’t really a choice.
Friday and Saturday flew by, and before I knew it it was stupid-o’clock on Sunday morning and we were all getting up to make our way into London.
I knew Shelli was worried how I’d be considering the previous weekend but I was determined for it not to stop me doing what I wanted to do. She wanted me to start the run with them so that I would be with them while we waited for it all to start. Sensible, but I wanted to do it properly and start from my group. Stupid? Stubborn? Probably, but that’s me all over really.
With 10 minutes to go before the start I said goodbye to the others and made my way with the hundreds of others to the start line. I had my headphones on and my music playing, which helped a lot.
Regardless of how much training I’ve done before a race I always get nervous waiting to get going. I don’t know why but I do. Knowing that I’d done little to no training for this one didn’t help that’s for sure, but at one point I literally couldn’t stop my left hand from shaking. I had to cross my arms until it decided to play ball and behave normally. Considering everything though I don’t think I was too bad; it could certainly have been a lot worse that’s for sure.
Once we were going all thoughts of being anxious disappeared as I had only one thing to concentrate on: getting round the bloody course!
I’m pleased to say that I did okay – clocking in my second fastest time for the Bupa London 10K – and while waiting for Shelli and mum to cross the line I wasn’t too bad either. I left my headphones in and my tunes playing which really did help, but being utterly exhausted from yet another hot Bupa run, and concentrating on the runners coming over the line so that I could cheer mum on, it was enough to take my mind off of it all.
Uber proud of mum for doing the course 20 minutes quicker than she thought she was going to do it in, even with a bad knee – go mum! – and very proud of myself for getting through the day okay.
This is just the start. Medication won’t fix everything so I’m working on other things to get me back on the straight and narrow.
I’ll continue to write about how it’s all going. Not really because I expect anyone to read it, but sometimes putting things down like this really is a help.
Besides, I don’t want to brush this under the carpet like I’ve done so many times before. That’s not helped. I’m normally too good at hiding behind my cheeky-chappy exterior but that won’t cut it this time!
Correct on all counts dude, medication isn’t the answer, you are a stubborn git, you have been wrong in holding it all in, trying to deal with it yourself and you are now on the road to getting better albeit, at the very beginning.
That being said, You have got a fantastic support base, you have a wonderful woman who loves you very much, great family (the kids, all 4 of them) and awesome friends. If you add the medication the to the mix I think you will find (if you really think you need the meds that is) that things will after they kick in, improve.
I’ve always found that trying to have a positive mental attitude about things help more than anything else. Sounds weird coming from the worlds biggest pessimist but that’s a key factor.
My best advice for you, take it or leave it is this.
1. Don’t over analyse things, don’t use too much brain power worrying about what if’s, and’s, maybe’s, think about the here and now and whats happening.
2. Always take small steps to ultimate victory, something simple like going out with the kids to a park where there aren’t many people, see how you feel as I said before small victories lead to a much bigger one.
3. Open up more, if you are feeling down or stressed or whatever, even if it is in your mind stupid (its probably just you being a stubborn git and your brain is saying its stupid) tell someone, have a conversation about it, get it off your chest, even if its this website, writing really can have the power to heal.
4. Never think you are alone in all this as mentioned above so I aint goin all soppy on yo ass!
5. Most important, know that there is nothing wrong with feeling vulnerable/weak/scared etc, most of the people you know at one point or another have dealt with or are still dealing with issue’s like this and need people to talk to just as much, being macho only gets you so far but when the bravado stops the pain hurts.
I guess what im saying is, you’re better than this you just need to change in order to beat it, fitter at 40 ? major change, so this should be a breeze compared the hard work and effort you put into that little adventure and Jill, myself and your friends are here for you.
Cheers for the support again Steve; appreciate it more than you know!
Well, I’ve started to take the tablets – first one last night – so I guess we’ll see what happens over the coming days and weeks? Hopefully they’ll help get me on a level kilter so that I can concentrate on the other things that need to be addressed and sorted, of which there are a few.
It’s going to be slow going I suspect but it’ll be worth it.